Do you know the feeling when you want criticize someone’s
behavior, but you’re scared of damaging your relationship with that person?
You’re right to be cautious: criticism is a double-edged
sword. It can be immensely helpful, but also devastatingly hurtful.
In this post, I’d like to give you eight tips and ideas on
how you can offer criticism as constructively as possible — and leave the other
person not angry, but thankful for your support.
1. Be polite.
Sometimes, we criticize because we’re angry. In these
situations, we often don’t feel like being polite. Even one single signal of
impoliteness will greatly hamper our chances of the criticism being taken
constructively.
I’m not only talking about rude words or insults here. We
also need to avoid sending less obvious signals such as forgetting to knock on
the door before entering or interrupting the other person in the wrong moment.
2. Be gentle and
kind.
Let’s take this a step further. If we want the other party
to really take our words to heart, then we must show that we are on their side.
One big step to achieving this is to be gentle and kind.
Smile a lot. Talk soothingly. Employ friendly, relaxed body language.
Of course, that’s a lot easier said than done, especially
when you’re nervous or angry. I’ve found it helpful to do sports right before I
criticize. That way, I can let off steam first and enter the conversation in a
calm and relaxed state.
3. Focus on actions.
When you make your case, focus on the actions you would like
the other person to take or to stop taking. Never criticize the person herself.
Unfortunately, many people are very self-conscious in this
regard, so they will think you are criticizing them as a person even if you’re
actually only criticizing their behavior.
To keep the risk of such misunderstandings to a minimum,
it’s a good idea to emphasize the fact that you’re only criticizing actions
with your choice of words.
Stay clear of the verb “to be” (as in: “you are too
cautious”) and employ action-orientated verbs instead (“I think we need to take
more risks here”).
4. Use the sandwich
critique.
Another great way to help someone take criticism lightly is
to place it right in the middle between two compliments. Here’s an example
dialog:
“Hi Sandra, I loved how you handled that difficult customer
yesterday!”
“Thanks! He really was a tough one …”
“Yeah well … you did great … by the way, I’ve been thinking
about how we could increase our work efficiency even further, and I believe it
would help if we both kept the office a littler tidier. Do you think we could
try that?”
“Err…yes, sure. I guess I’ve made a bit of a mess here
lately. Sorry about that.”
“No problem, I know you’ve had a lot on your plate. I really
admire how you can be so stressed and still treat everyone with a smile.”
5. Frame your
criticism as a suggestion.
In the above dialog, the criticizer also employs a second
technique to bring her criticism across more constructively: She’s framing it
as a suggestion. Instead of pointing out that Sandra has been untidy in the
past, her colleague asks her to tidy up more in the future.
You should frame your criticism in this way whenever you
can. If you feel that’s impossible or inappropriate, at least make sure to
always add specific suggestions for improvement.
6. Criticize in
private.
Even constructive criticism hurts a lot more when colleagues
are listening. People get defensive easily if they’re afraid to lose face in
front of a group. Make it your golden rule to always have a one-on-one talk
when you want to criticize someone’s behavior.
7. Criticize a
fictional third party.
A sneaky trick is to make up a fictional person who has
supposedly shown similar behavior to the one you want to criticize.
For example, instead of applying the sandwich critique,
Sandra’s colleague could make up a story about her roommate in college who was
untidy and point out that this irritated her. Sandra might get the hint and
make an effort to become tidier. If she doesn’t, her colleague can still move
on to more direct criticism.
To avoid badmouthing third parties, I like to make people up
when I use this method. But don’t overdo it — you don’t want to end up in a web
of lies.
8. “I’ve made the
same mistake.”
One of the most powerful techniques to help the other party
take criticism easy is to mention that you’ve once made the same mistake.
I still remember an event when I was in high school and had
asked my father to read one of my essays before I handed it in. The essay was
on a topic I was deeply passionate about and I had put a lot of work into it.
My father read the essay, walked up to my room, sat down,
and told me: “Lucas, you’ve mentioned a lot of very interesting things in this
essay (sandwich critique!). But you’ve done something that I once did when I
started out writing my dissertation. I had collected a lot of interesting
facts, but I didn’t tell a coherent story around a central theme ….”
This wasn’t easy for me — after all it meant that I
essentially had to start over — but my father was right and this was an issue I
had to deal with.
I know that his “I’ve made the same mistake” method of
criticizing my work has helped me a great deal to digest the bad news. Even
today, I try to use the same technique as often as possible when I have to
criticize someone.
A personal message
Since you’ve read this far, you obviously care a great deal
about other people’s feelings. Don’t worry if you don’t always manage to
criticize as nicely as you’d like to. I’ve sure made many mistakes when it
comes to criticizing and still make them today.
But we’re improving with practice. You’re probably already a
better criticizer than most people ever will be and you’re still putting in the
effort to become even better. That’s awesome.
Please leave with your comments :
What are your favorite ways of criticizing? Do you know any
tricks that I haven’t mentioned? I’m looking forward to our conversation!
********The Article is take originally from workawesome.com.
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